I left but still want clarity
Dear Annie: I’m struggling to make sense of this situation, but it felt like a red flag.
I started dating a man, and one night out to dinner, we ran into a woman he knew from college and her boyfriend. She seemed nice, and after a brief chat, they left. He briefly told me about her business, I said she seemed cool, and I thought nothing more of it.
Shortly after that night, he asked for an exclusive relationship and even suggested I move in with him, but I told him it was too soon. I wanted to wait at least a year before living together.
For his birthday, I took him on a weekend trip to a coastal town he’d never visited. We went for a beautiful meal at a waterfront restaurant, and while at dinner, the waiter took our photo. I posted it on social media while this man was in the restroom — for nearly 30 minutes.
When he returned, he immediately brought up the woman we had met prior, opened his social media app, scrolled past our picture I’d just posted without acknowledging it in any way, and instead showed me several photos she had posted and which he had hit “like” on every one. He also mentioned she was visiting the same town we were at the same time. All odd, but I let it go.
A month later, at a special family dinner, the same thing happened. We took a picture together, I posted it, and later he stepped outside for 20 minutes.
When he returned, he again opened his social media feed, scrolled past our photo, liked all of hers and talked about her for half an hour — right in front of my family, making everyone uncomfortable.
A few days later, I calmly brought it up, explaining that his behavior, especially in public or at special events, felt awkward and inappropriate. Instead of addressing it, he said, “Well, I better be careful not to like the wrong photos since you’re stalking me online!”
I clarified that my issue wasn’t with her, but with how he was acting. I never raised my voice or accused him of anything unsavory between them. From then on, he labeled me as “short-fused” and “next-level jealous” and claimed he was “walking on eggshells” around me, despite the fact that I’m usually a very calm, emotionally level person.
I eventually ended the relationship for many reasons, but I still can’t make sense of this behavior of his. Can you? — Make It Make Sense
Dear Make It: You’re absolutely right — this situation was full of red flags. Good for you for recognizing them and calling it quits.
It’s hard to know what kind of connection this man had with the other woman or why he was so fixated on her. Regardless, his deflection and dismissal of your feelings were sure signs of trouble that would’ve only gotten worse with time.
You should feel confident in the choice you made to let this relationship go. Now it’s time to let go of your need to “make sense” of it all. Sometimes, the only closure we truly need is the knowledge that not everyone has what it takes to be the right partner for us.
Annie Lane’s second anthology — “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.