Dear Annie: My husband of 19 years had an office gathering at our home in mid-August. He has been at his job for 18 years and switched departments four years ago. I had never met any of the current team members due to my work schedule.

One of his teammates, when introduced to me, grunted when she met me. My heart sank. As I worked my way around the room getting to know each one on an individual basis, I reminded this lady that I had waited on her at my part-time job.

She told me she was aware of the encounter because my husband told her that I had sold her cigarettes. However, I had asked my husband before the party if he had said anything, and he said no. So he lied to me.

After the party, I went through his phone, computer and phone bills. I discovered lots of private contact at all hours of the day and night. In my mind, they basically were having an affair.

The messages were pet names such as “baby boo,” “sugar britches” and “good morning, sunshine.” Worse yet, they told each other they loved each other.

We are in therapy now, trying to repair the damage my husband has caused.

When confronting the lady who tried to come between us, she stated that she wanted nothing to do with the drama in our house. I asked her why she was calling my husband by terms of endearment.

My husband’s friend used to date this lady. I did reach out to him and discovered that she has a long history of drinking and rehab. It’s so sad that women chase married men like it’s a game and a goal to wreck marriages.

I would like your thoughts. — Brokenhearted in South Dakota

Dear Brokenhearted: My thoughts are with you. I am so sorry that your husband lied to you about his relationship with another woman. But instead of blaming her, why not channel all that anger and frustration into your couples therapy sessions? He was the one who was married, not her. It takes two to tango, and blaming her for chasing after your husband is not the answer.

The real answer is to get to the root of the problem in your relationship, to understand why he wanted to stray in the first place. Or to understand that your husband is a cheating scoundrel — and move on.

While it is easier to blame a person you barely know who is trying to ruin your marriage, the person you really know is your husband. Save your blame for him and see how, and if, you can repair your marriage.

Dear Annie: The woman who wrote to you to say that she became friends with the ex-wife was very lucky. I tried so hard and was shut out. At one point, I wrote her a letter about everything we had in common, including loving the kids, and she threatened to sue me for harassment. The kids would have benefited from our being in partnership for their welfare, if for no other reason. — Sad in Lakewood

Dear Sad in Lakewood: We cannot control other people’s reactions to what we do, but we can control how we treat them. For the sake of the kids, it is always better for them to see their families get along rather than having them see exes fight and not get along.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now. Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.